I saw this article the other and found it to be fascinating. Not from the usual perspective of “enduring love and marriage is awesome” blah blah blah. No, rather this was interesting to me because it was an opportunity to see things from the perspective of someone who was married to someone who was going through a mid-life crisis. The mid-life crisis, of course, is similar to the quarter life crisis or any kind of identity crisis that most people eventually go through. Identity crises are usually accompanied by a death of a dream. And being that the death of dreams is something near and dear to my heart (more to come on this), and I saw that
Cate Song had posted it with positive responses, I decided to post this up as well.
Those aren’t fighting words, dearRead the article first, and then come back. Here are a few items I would like to point out:
1) The husband who goes through the crisis immediately points to the wife as being the problem. “My life is not going the way I wanted it to go, therefore, these people around me are the problem. They are holding me back.” Or in this case, he is blaming the wife. Instead of blaming others for the failure of his dream, he needed to realize that his dream wasn’t going to happen the way he expected it to. He didn’t become the person he had hoped to be. He was watching his mythological self die before his eyes.
2) Being the “victim” of his dying dream and the people around him, he felt like he had to take control of the situation. Since we have no indication whatsoever that either husband or wife is a Christian, nor any allusion to trust in a higher power, it makes sense that both parties felt that they needed to be strong and take control in one way or another. This is significantly different from the theoretical Christian response, which is to let go of control and fall on your face and petition God to intercede. Of course, I say theoretical because most Christians avoid this route and go straight to taking control of the situation and wrestling it out of God’s “untrustworthy” hands. So much for letting God be “Lord of my life.”
3) There are some who say that marriage is to serve as an example of the relationship we, as Christians, have with Christ, our bridegroom. With that paradigm in place, the wife is the Christ figure in this particular example. There are times when we are angry with God and blame him for the things happening in our lives. The wife wisely realizes that she isn’t the problem, nor is she the cause of the problem. Furthermore, she offers to help him gain the space he needs. At the same time, she keeps the invitation open – he was welcome to come back at any time. His place at the table was always set. There was always room for the prodigal son to come home.
4) She wisely recognized that she couldn’t solve his problem. In most relationships, people vacillate between two extremes in a time of crisis: Try to fix the problem and force a happy face on it or abandon and leave. Her friends demanded that she get a lawyer and end it. Her internal struggle was to persuade him to not give up and make it work. But she chose neither. She recognized that this was his problem to solve, and she gave him the room to do it.
5) The fourth paragraph from the end reads:
“When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.”
There it is. Childhood myths. Our mythological selves. Our destiny. Our American dream. Whatever it is you want to call it, they all mean the same thing. A false, alternate reality that is unachievable and unattainable. At some point in everyone’s lives, our dreams fail us. Our happiness is lost. And somehow, we have to pick up the pieces and move on. We have to redetermine the root of our happiness and satisfaction. Is it performance based? Is is based on how other people feel about us? Is it from within, as the author states? Or is it based on the satisfaction of being wholly and completely loved by God? And this love will not change, no matter what we do right or what we do wrong.
All in all, I thought that this was a great story with some great points. A lot of things to think on. Sadly, most people don’t think about such things until they’re facing a death of their own. Hopefully, this will provide some food for thought.
On another level, I felt that it was eye opening to be able to see things from a different perspective. I definitely appreciated being able to see her perspective as if it were through the eyes of Jesus. I hope that you might appreciate it too.
Comments (10)
Hey there..
Wow, it’s been a while since your last entry, but your entry is always one that gets me thinking..Thanks for sharing the story and your thoughts!
-gRaCe-
very thought provoking and interesting. It’s good to see a post from you!
This font is hard to read.
Thank you.
Post more often. I miss your posts, which is why I’m hunting you down in person tomorrow, ha.
So identity crises are based on the death of a dream? Hmm, I wonder, what dreams do I have? I tend not to dream. It’s one of the few things I really dislike about myself.
Definitely an interesting read! I’m afraid I’m going to hit the mid-life-crisis point in my life when I’m older. I care way too much about what people think of me compared to what God thinks. I’m almost to the point of drawing my self-worth from other humans, and that’s a recipe for disaster. Not sure how to fix it either.
@aravanna -
That’s a tough place to be in. On the one hand, it’s good to know that you draw your self worth from other people. On the other hand, it’s very difficult to separate yourself from it willingly without having a crisis or disaster strike.
Fortunately, you’re young enough (I see from your profile that you’re a college student, so I assume you’re under 25) that you won’t have to worry about a mid-life crisis for many years. Unfortunately, the longer you avoid the crisis, the worse it will be when it finally happens.
If you’re the “stuck in your head” type, where reading books is your thing and you seem to get a lot of what you read, even if they’re textbooks, I’d recommend that you check out “Search for Significance” by Robert McGee. Even if you’re not a bookworm, having this book handy when you do have an emotional crisis will be helpful. Other books that are very, very good are “Emotional Dependency” by Lori Rentzel (which is tiny, 31 page booklet of “grab you by the face and wake you up to reality” goodness. It’s good, but hard), and “Lost in the Middle” by Paul David Tripp, who is a professor and an excellent speaker. This last book is probably better suited for my dad than it is for you, but if you like books, it’s a good one.
If you’re not a book person, (which admittedly, is not my strength either), I’d recommend finding a mentor who knows a thing or two about surviving crushed dreams and moving on from them. Ask him or her to tell you about their life experience and listen to their stories. Befriend them, and be sure to have them around when things start to fall apart around you… whether it’s grades, a dating relationship, a job or ministry opportunity, etc. Make sure to keep their life lessons close to you and to remember the insight and perspective in mind.
If you’re bold. And I mean, “Joshua, let’s storm the promised land and take what is ours” bold, and you’re not afraid to go off the beaten path, then I’d suggest you identify the unhealthy relationships in your life and break them off. Completely. cold turkey. But don’t jump right in. You’ll need to prep for it. Grab a copy of emotional dependency first. Then get a mentor or adult friend and talk to them about their experiences. Then read through the search for significance and talk about it with your mentor. When you’ve done all that, and you’re absolutely convinced you’re not ready to break the unhealthy relationships, cry out to God. Then break it off the next day. Don’t wait. Waiting will only let your fear take a hold of you. After that, lean on your healthy friendships, your mentor, and your God.
But that path isn’t for everyone. It’s really a unique experience and I wouldn’t advise it for anyone who isn’t of the Joshua mold.
If none of those things appeal to you, and you’d rather wait for the mid-life crisis to happen to you rather than seek it out and wrestle with it early, then go ahead and do that. Most people do. And there is no shame in that. My only advice for you then is to keep a journal and be sure to write down how God is good to you… and how you know our God is a good God. Because you’ll need to have that handy when you hit your crisis and you doubt whether or not God is good and whether or not He truly loves you.
That’s my two cents. Let me know if you have any questions.
–Alban
I feel as though I’m in that bit of a “crisis” stage myself (though I’m still 2 years away from the quarter-life crisis, lol.) Anyway – thank you. I needed to read your words of wisdom tonight – they “spoke” to me and now hopefully I can implement that into my daily life. Great thoughts!
@Passionflwr86 -
Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad that this was timely for you. I hope that you will be able to implement anything useful you have learned in a deep and meaningful way.
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