For as long as I have been journaling, I have been aware of a terrible battle between my passionate heart and my conservative mind.  The heart wants to “go!” “do!” “see!” and “speak!”  My mind says to “wait, evaluate, come up with alternate courses of actions, and reevaluate.”  It is a battle of what I yearn to do against what I believe to be prudent.  Whenever one is chosen over the other, I am feel that I am either choking off my heart or doing something unwise.  There was never a win-win.  Only a win-lose.  With regret.  Oftentimes, this had rendered me actionless out of indecision.  I was not happy with this.

I don’t think I ever really considered this an even match-up either.  I would tend to side with my heart and think of my brain as a merciless, controlling master.  “Bad brain! Why are you overthinking so much!” I would say.  And then I would day dream about what life would be like without a brain.  I think in those dreams, I looked like an asian version of Fabio or Fonzie.  I was bold and smooth and draped with women.

I think it was only recently that I have come to peace with the fact that I have opposing voices in my body.  Rather, I have come to realize the merits of having a brain, and the downfall of following my heart.  My heart is impetuous, impulsive, and oftentimes inconsiderate.  Moreover, my heart tends to be selfish.  It is self-pleasing and lives in the moment.  I often get myself into trouble when I follow heart without seeking counsel from the brain.  Likewise, I have come to appreciate the benefits of pausing for a moment to evaluate the heart and the motives.  Were my motives self-serving?  Or are they for the good of the other?  Will my actions bring blessing or curse?  For whom am I doing this for?  Am I only trying to please people?  or am I trying to please God?  These are good questions to ask in the heat of the moment.  I think a great lesson was learning to ask these questions in the heat of the moment.  I don’t think the moment is ever as hot as we think or feel it is.  I have discovered that it is worth taking an extra moment to consider the motives.

Lastly, I have realized that the heart is not just capable of love and passionate things.  Out of the heart also comes fear, and anger, and retribution, and hate.  The passionate part of me wants to retaliate against feelings of hurt and offense.  I have learned also, that this is not the best course of action.  In fact, to even overcome these things, a choice must be made from the brain.  The brain must lead the heart, specifically in the area of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not a choice the heart wants to make.  But it is a necessary one in order for the heart to heal.  Isn’t it funny how the heart does not always know what is best for itself?  It needs a brain after all.

In conclusion, on this day, at the tender old age of 29, I have come to realize that my brain and heart are not enemies after all.  That the tension and diversity between the two actually bring a lot to the table.  It’s like I have my own team of rivals!  Just like Abe Lincoln.  Yes.  I just compared myself with President Lincoln.  That means it’s time to sleep.

So, dear blog. i am tired. sleep is good for normal human functioning. goodnite.

I had committed to BEDA (Blog Every Day in August) with my friend Shanella.  We’ll be encouraging each other to push on through.  I didn’t find out about it until Friday, so I’m starting a little late.  I had been contemplating writing quality, shorter entries for a long time. Something I had never put into practice here on xanga, but started doing on another blog.  Now that I have some experience under my belt, I’d like to give it a whirl by committing to write every day.  Let’s see how this goes. 

Today’s topic: Remembering your purpose, calling or role

A few years ago, Franklin Graham came to Binghamton for one of his Franklin Graham Festival events.  It was a pretty huge deal for Binghamton and the churches around here.  We prepared for their arrival for over a year.  6 months before he arrived, people went to classes to train on how to pray with people, how to share the gospel, and more.  So when the festival finally came, everyone was pretty psyched and ready to go.

The biggest night of the three day event was Saturday. It was supposed to be youth night, and they had these big name bands coming in to play.  Building 429 was one.  Third Day was the other.  What we ended up getting was a huge contrast; it wasn’t a contrast in music, but a divergence of goals and purpose.

When Building 429 came on, they treated it like a rock concert.  They tried their best to get the crowd riled up and were really mad (yes, mad) when the crowd did not sing along with their songs.  Little did they realize, the adults in the crowd outnumbered the youth 2:1 (or more).  Most people had never even heard of their band and the one hit song they had on the radio.  So when the people did not sing along, they insulted us, got really sarcastic and made their frustration known.  I was furious.  Never mind that this was an evangelistic event and most people had never even heard of them.  People shouldn’t be treated that way.  Even if it were a rock concert and we all came just for them, that behavior is not excusable.  It was offensive and it put the whole crowd off.

When the next band came out, it was night and day.  They saw how the crowd had turned sour and worked to bring them back.  They introduced themselves and asked us if we had ever heard of them.  When they saw that many people had not, they continued forward humbly, explaining their group, their music, and why they do what they do.  They invited us to participate by becoming their “backup singers” and complimented us on our participation and good looks.  Third Day won the crowd back over and repaired the damage that Building 429 had created.  I believe that their attitude of humility redeemed the night and paved a way for the incredible response we had that evening.

The difference between the two bands was that one remembered why they were there and what their mission was: to share the gospel message with people who came to hear it.  The other band forgot who they were and why they were there.  They came for the glory of playing to a sell out crowd.  But that is not why we, the audience, came.  We came to hear about Jesus.  We came to give the gospel message another chance.  We came to hear about hope.  Not to be insulted for not singing along with songs.  As the musicians in the part of a larger event, they had a pretty large target to aim for.  At best, they would have led us into worship and into the very presence of God.  At worst, they could have performed an entertaining, but non-spiritual show.  Building 429 missed the mark completely when they sought to glorify themselves.

I look back at that night and I’m thankful for the great example Third Day was to me and thousands of others who were there that night.  They remembered their role as servants in the Kingdom of God.  They didn’t make the night about themselves; they made it about drawing people in and welcoming them before the Lord.  It may seem like a small role to play, but their short time in the spotlight was one of the most significant moments of that night.

In our life, we will have many different roles to play.  There will be a time when we will be the rock stars.  There will also be a time when we are supporting cast.  The important thing is to remember who we are and what our purpose is in that very moment, and to fill that role to the best of our ability.

BEDA with a late start

I had committed to BEDA (Blog Every Day in August) with my friend Shanella.  We’ll be encouraging each other to push on through.  I didn’t find out about it until Friday, so I’m starting a little late.  I had been contemplating writing quality, shorter entries for a long time. Something I had never put into practice here on xanga, but started doing on another blog.  Now that I have some experience under my belt, I’d like to give it a whirl by committing to write every day.  Let’s see how this goes. 

Today’s topic: Hauntings and imprints

I had a conversation with a friend about a month ago about ghosts and hauntings and demons and imprints.  We didn’t get very far into the conversation because I teased him a little bit about it.  But it got me thinking.  There are two schools of thought regarding the spirit realm.  1) It’s real. 2) It’s all imaginary.

As a Christian, I believe it to be real. However, my views on it are significantly influenced by what the Bible has to say about it and my own personal experiences, which are extensive.  Therefore, imprints and benevolent ghosts are foreign ideas to me.  Demons and such are not.  I won’t get into specifics here, but I will describe something based on current events.  I recently moved into a new house.

I have noticed when I spend the night at an unfamiliar place, I am, for lack of better word, affected at night.  Specifically, when I am sleeping.  Sometimes it occurs in the form of a freakish dream. Other times it occurs in the form of physical movement within my room.  Other times, it’s significantly worse.

Fortunately, my first night here wasn’t one of the really bad cases.  And in the past, prayer and spiritual warfare has always successfully eliminated the sensations/dreams/and other unnamed symptoms.  The answered prayer is yet another confirmation that Jesus is a Savior and greater than the other forces in the spiritual realm.  And so I prayed last night.  And the sensations went away.

Tonight will be night #2.  I am interested to see what comes of it.  I have full faith in my God to protect me through this.  I expect it to be better than yesterday.

What are your experiences with the spirit realm?  Have you had any? If so, what are your thoughts?