March 31, 2007

• Ask me a question

  In an effort to increase global eccentricity, I will now take questions and answer them to the best of my ability.  If you push the right buttons, you might even squeeze an Albanism out of me.  Although I don’t plan on excluding any questions, I will mention that my “expertise” lies in the following:

  Batman
  Spelling (not to be confused with Tori Spelling, who just had a baby)
  Baseball
  Physics (limited to engineering, and limited to mechanics)
  Jo Momma
  Chinese cooking
  Pharmaceutical Automation
  Nintendo
  Being devil’s advocate

  Your question does not have to refer to the above categories, I just figured I’ll throw them out there.

  Have at it.

   

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  Question: why do Imperial officers like Grand Moff Tarkin speak with British accents if they’re in outer space and there is no Britain?

  Posted 3/23/2007 11:08 AM by ChrisRusso

  Excellent question.  The British are geographically undefined.  They have no real home of their own.  One can be British whether s/he is living in Australia, China or the Death Star.  What defines the british is their culture.  Since this is their only source of identity, they are very protective of their culture. To do so, they hold on to the three pillars of British Tradition – Tea (which they technically stole from India), Accent, and Inbreeding.  Without these things, British culture would not survive, period.  Having just two of the three is insufficient.  Without the third, Britons lose their British status (Membership is revoked upon discovery).  Because they hold onto this tradition so tightly, Grand Moff Tarkin can maintain his British accent despite living in a galaxy far, far away.

  On that note, it is also important to remember that Grand Moff Tarkin lived a long time ago.  It is narrowly speculated that the historical records of his life predates even the British empire, leading some to suspect that the high officers of the Empire may have been the original founders of Britain.  King Arther may actually have been a sith.  Excaliber, may have been a light saber.  And the lady of the lake could have been none other than Lady Lumiya.  Theories of how this could have happened abound.  More research is being conducted as we speak.

   

  How much MSG is too much MSG? How much is not enough?

  Posted 3/23/2007 12:45 PM by sonnetjoy

  If you’re asking about how much is too much [to use in Chinese cooking], then I would say that Chinese cooking doesn’t use MSG.  Sure, you may think that what you get at the takeout place is chinese, but it isn’t (Capital C) Chinese.  It is an inferior form of Chinese that borders on being Japanese.  No, if you want to make real Chinese food, I would not add MSG as a standalone additive to whatever you are making.  Using premade sauces that has MSG in it is somewhat debatable, depending on the quality and the manufacturer of the sauce.  If you purchase any premade sauces made by Lee Kum Kee and use them in your cooking, this is acceptable.  If you purchase any premade sauces from any company that looks suspiciously western (especially british), I would not try it.  Not only will it spoil your food, it will also infect your soul.

  If you’re asking about how much is too much [for your health], then I would direct you to Wikipedia, a bastion of exotic and uncited information.  According to wikipedia, “the FDA has classified MSG as a ‘generally recognised as safe,’ or GRAS, substance.” It also goes on to explain that “MSG could spike blookd plasma levels of glutamate” and that “high levels of glutamic acid caused damage to the brains of infant mice.”  There is much debate surrounding whether or not this is a problem for humans.

  What is known is that MSG is a form of salt.  And salt, as we know, is good for the heart.  Just kidding.  We Chinese love our salts, much more than we love our sweets.  There is a reason why Chinese people suffer from so much heart disease – our love of salt is killing us.  The best and safest course of action is to avoid MSG if it is unnecessary.  Don’t add it to your food as a standalone additive.  If it comes in a sauce from a reputable company, it is acceptable, but do not overuse it.  And if you’re a big fan of the ramen noodles, consider halving the soup package, or abstain from drinking all of the soup.  Too much salt in any form is not good for you.

  This message is from the National Alban Health Association (NA HA!)

  Disclaimer:  Some of my answers to these questions employs the use of subtle humor disguised as racist attacks.  They do not represent the beliefs and opinions of Alban Inc.  They are for entertainment purposes only.  Use of racist statements, while effectively funny in the right venue, can also be very offensive when it is misunderstood.  Be careful not to make racist comments when talking with your friends, especially in public.  Also, I do not hate the british.

   

  Question: What is the most underrated Nintendo game cartridge of all time? In other words, which game do you like that most people don’t know as much about? And, while I’m at it, which Nintendo game cartridge had the best packaging? I know most of them were just grey, but they did a few in different colors and such.

  Posted 3/23/2007 12:46 PM by GreekPhysique

  The most underrated Nintendo game (cartridge)?  I think one of the best games I played on the original Nintendo was Bubble Bobble.  You can play it two players and it is my earliest memory of multiplayer fun.  My friend Jason brought it over to my house one time, and the first time we played it, we went so long that my head hurt afterwards.  I don’t remember how long we actually played, but it was a marathon and definitely a first.  It’s a bit of a puzzle game and was very difficult.  It’s hard to explain well, but I suppose you can look up information on it here.  We made it up to level 98 (out of 100) on that day, and we were never able to get that high again.

  The best Nintendo package/cartridge has got to be the original Zelda.  I still remember when I first opened it up, totally expecting a grey cartridge.  Instead, I found a shimmering golden idol, commanding my awe.  It was beautiful then.  It is still beautiful now. 

  Question:  Who would win in a fight: Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer?

  Posted 3/23/2007 2:42 PM by ChrisRusso

  Disclaimer:  if you ask a geeky question, you’re going to get a geeky answer.

  I would like to preface my answer to this question with the tagline from the movie Aliens Vs. Predator (which, coincidentaly, has a direct to video sequel, starring the younger sister of our mutual friend),

  “Whoever wins, we lose.”

  Having said that, here’s how I think the fight will go down.

  It’s a steel cage match.  No holds barred.  10 rounds.  Fight to the death.

  The fight begins with a staredown.  Chuck Norris shoots fire beams out of his eyes, while Jack Bauer bends over and shoots lightning out of his arse.  The two beams meet in the middle and create a cacophony of synergy and explosions.  The fireworks go on for half an hour, while the crowd enjoys the show, with no side gaining a clear advantage.  Just then, Bauer sees his zombiefied ex-wife in the audience, and is so filled with rage, he tears out one of his ribs and spears her right  through the heart, ending her undead life.  As he leaps in triumph, Chuck Norris takes advantage of his momentary lapse of focus and shoots his fire beams to the now bleeding abdomen of Bauer.  This plan backfires, however, as blood erupts from Bauer’s chest like a Disney fountain and rains all over Norris, burning his face.  Norris is temporarily blinded by this acidic blood, which allows Bauer to maneuver behind Norris to perform the classic, “neck-snap from behind move.”  Norris senses that he is in mortal danger, and flexes his biceps, causing them to explode. 

  Out of his right arm flies out the Texas Rangers, dressed in cowboy gear, with guns a blazing.  Out of his left arm flies out the Texas Rangers, led by none other than Sammy “No hablo ingles” Sosa, who is duel-wielding a baseball bat and a pulled pork sandwich.  The collective Rangers commence to beat on Bauer, backing him into the corner of the cage.  Bats, bullets and BBQ sauce are flying everywhere.  At the opposite corner of the ring, Norris watches with glee.  Suddenly, Bauer explodes out of the dog pile, sending Rangers flying everywhere.  He opens his mouth, and out comes the four Horsemen of Apocalypse, armed with shoulder mounted missile launchers that shoot exploding lightsabers.  They charge in to do battle with the Texas Rangers. 

  Bauer looks up at Norris, as a wry smirk crosses both their faces.  They observe this battle with mild interest until Famine touches Sammy Sosa, reducing him to a form so gaunt he makes Urkel look big.  This enrages Norris, who now explains that Sosa was his training partner when he was tutored under Master Roshi.  Grieved by his death, Norris reaches deep down into his soul to find the core of his strength that he has never discovered before.  He grasps this strength with his mind and begins to pull it out of his core, greatly increasing his power as he does so.  14 episodes later, with uninteresting backstory filling in, we come back to Norris who is now powered up to Super Saiyan 3.  With his ankle length golden hair now whipping around his body, he rises up into the air, drains the power of the sun and creates a concentrated spirit bomb the size of a small moon.  Maniacal laughter escapes his lips as he hurls it down at Bauer.  Bauer, mysteriously choosing not to dodge the spirit bomb, decides to stand and take it like a man.  He grips it in both hands, laughing maniacally himself as he attempts to control its power, even as it melts the skin off his face and hands.  After a few tense moments, he blinks, and the spirit bomb explodes, shattering the earth into a million pieces.  Bauer and Norris are propelled by this explosion in opposite directions, travelling a thousand light years before they even regain control of their trajectory.  For the next thousand millenia, they hunt each other throughout the universe, destroying all known life forms that stand in their path.

  bubble bobble is not underrated. just about everyone i know
  acknowledges it as awesome. the most underrated NES game would have to
  be Burger Time. Climbing ladders, avoiding hot dogs, onions and
  pickles, and making giant hamburgers to complete levels, its
  Ham-tastic! also when i mention it, people say, “huh? whats that? never
  heard of it” securing its underrated status.

  Posted 3/24/2007 9:28 AM by ChrisTheMagnif -

  Bubble Bobble is underrated because it is hardly remembered in normal conversation and is never talked about anymore.  The fact that people remember it when it is mentioned is a testament to its goodness.  Hamburger Time was undoubtedly a great game as well.  It just doesn’t have the same appeal and longevity as bubble bobble. 

  Real question: when it rains, is it angel pee?

  Posted 3/24/2007 9:30 AM by ChrisTheMagnif

  Have you ever heard the phrase, “I laughed so hard I peed my pants?”  Well, here’s a newsflash for you:

  Angels don’t wear pants.

  But, on the bright side, angel pee is not the same as human pee.  Angels eat from the tree of life, and therefore, their pee still has excellent nutritional value.  This is the real reason why scientists say, “Where there is water, there is life.”  Without angel pee, the earth would be a dead and desolate place. 

  I will let you figure out where manna from heaven comes from.

  What is Jo Momma? You use Lee Kum Kee products too? We swear by them over here!

  Posted 3/24/2007 10:39 AM by eusisms

  Who was the hot date I took to my high school prom?
  1)  No one.
  2)  Becky Pizzatola
  3)  Tamara Strete
  4)  Jo Momma

  (Jo momma is just a “your mom” joke.)

  Yes, we use Lee Kum Kee over here.  In the world of Chinese sauces, they are Microsoft and I am Apple.

  Question:  How envious of me would you
  be if I told you that I had the original NES Bubble Bobble 2 on my
  computer and that I was playing it right now?

  Posted 3/25/2007 11:37 PM by KalynALaMode

  Envy implies that there is something about you or your possessions that is somehow desirable to me.  Let me make this clear as pie, there is nothing about you, your outdated computer box, or your odiferous bodily chemical weapons that I envy in the slightest.  Thank you.

  Question: how do you spell “judgement”? or is it “Judgment”? if it’s the 2nd, what happened to the “e”?

  Posted 3/27/2007 10:51 PM by guatz

  It’s spelled judgment.  What happened to the “e?”  Jack Bauer shot it through the i and said to the remaining e, “U better run, little one.  Run and tell all of your vowel friends that their time is up.  The next time I see you, you’ll be full of o’s and Jo Mama will be screaming ‘a’.”  And as that little e ran away, Jack said to himself,  “Jack Bauer doesn’t need vowels, he wills things into existence by his thoughts alone.”

  What 5 games and why would you include in the videogame canon?Posted 3/28/2007 12:44 PM by ShadesChild

  Honestly, I can only comment on Nintendo at this time.  To expand it to all games would be quite a massive undertaking and require a lot more thought.  With that honest remark in place, I can go on to dishonestly claim that no other gaming system matters.  Nintendo revolutionized video games, and they continue to do so today.  If any games belong in Canon, they must have come from Nintendo – I mean that as a statement, not a rule.

  Tetris – There is no greater puzzle game that has ever won the hearts of millions of people.  Tetris is solely reponsible for the monster grip the Gameboy has on the hand held portables marketshare today.  Although many other games have been made for the game boy since, those software designers would not have made an effort to make games for the gameboy had it not been for the prevaling presence of gameboys in millions of homes.

  Super Mario Brothers 3 – Super Mario is classic, but it also came with every Nintendo.  Super Mario 2 was really fun, but also queer.  It was an experiment, a departure from the original, and in my opinion, it does not represent the Mario brothers series.  Super Mario 3 is what really cemented the Mario franchise and continues to be considered one of the best mario games today.
  

  The Legend of Zelda – Introduced action adventure RPG in a big way.  I don’t recall anything like it before Zelda.  Sure, there were RPGs, like Dragon Warrior, and I believe Final Fantasy had not made it to the US at this point, but they weren’t the same as Zelda.  The text based battles of Dragon Warrior, and the randomly assigned damages through FF battles were nothing more than simulated tabletop RPGs battles with a GUI.  Zelda required hand-eye coordination and motor dexterity skills.  It separated itself from the pack by role playing a character and simultaneously demanding physical skills.  It also introduced groundbreaking technological advances, including a vast world, open ended gameplay, scrolling capabilities, and an autosave system.
  N.B. Some of this was plagiarized from the Zelda wikipedia entry. 

  Contra – The first multi-player, side-scrolling shooter that did everything right.  To this day, shooter games still borrow from the elements introduced in Contra (1 hit kills, spread guns, laser guns, weak spots on enemies, etc.)  I still even remember the code that will allow you to start of the game with 99 lives (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start.)  This practice of having a built-in game cheat may not have begun with Contra, but Contra forced videogamers to develop memory skills like never before.

  Metroid – Metroid was groundbreaking in that it was a nonlinear game.  The player would start off with very little capabilities, but grow stronger through powerups throughout the game.  With the powerups, the player could go back to explore areas that previously were unreachable.  This greatly increased replayability and played on a person’s sense of nostalgia.  Metroid was also a leader by employing a female protagonist during an era when the protagonist was almost always men.  It also was the first to use passwords to save and restore games.

  Now, if I were to just list 5 games that revolutionized gaming, I would probably have to go with the following 5:

  Super Mario Brothers – Side scrolling platformer.
  Mario 64 – Pioneered 3D gaming.  Games have never been the same again.
  Metal Gear Solid – Led the onslaught of stealth games, such as Tenchu, other Metal Gears, and Splinter Cell.  Also turned games into a cinematic experience.
  Castle Wolfenstein – Grandfather of all first person shooters.
  Warcraft 2 – It’s not a console game, but it really got the ball rolling for RTS games.

  Of course, this is all debatable, but it’s 1:43 in the AM, and I am tired.  Dispute if you must, but rest in the knowledge that you are wrong.

  • 1:44 am
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